


Better Than Before

by whoopsie



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: AU where connor doesn't die, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Slow Burn (possibly), Time Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-10
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2019-01-31 12:39:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12682071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whoopsie/pseuds/whoopsie
Summary: Evan tries to come clean about the mountain of lies he's been living under, but everything comes crashing down. He tries to do the first thing he can think of but finds himself with a second chance: to save a life, to create a friendship, and maybe get everything back to better than before.





	1. Purgatory

Evan couldn’t handle it.

  
Everything in his world had come crashing down around him, leaving no one unscathed by what he had done.  
He fled from the Murphy’s house with tears and snot dripping off of his face with no clue where to go next. He couldn’t face his mother, or Jared, or Alana. He had no one to turn to now. He was completely, utterly alone.

  
He recalled a time where he felt similarly hopeless. An idea struck him.

  
Evan hurried back home and walked through the front door. He saw his mother sitting cross-legged on the couch, her laptop balanced on her knees.

  
“Have you seen this?” she said dully.

  
He didn’t give himself time to react. The walk over hadn’t calmed him like he hoped it would; the idea still lingered in the front of his mind. Evan grabbed the car keys off the table and left without a word.

  
Evan never liked driving.

  
There was far too much to pay attention to and check on, leaving him in a constant state of terror whenever he drove.

  
This time, however, he wasn’t scared at all.

  
He wanted something to go wrong. He wanted to accidentally not check his mirror or not use his blinker just so he could avoid the inevitable. A graphic image of his car spinning out of control and a painless death flashed before his eyes.

  
Unfortunately for him, he made it to the park safely.

  
Not even bothering to turn off the car, he left the door open behind him and sprinted. The adrenaline was pushing him forward, deeper and deeper into the familiar woods until he was there.

  
The forty foot oak tree loomed over him in an all-too-familiar way. The deja-vu crept up on him, the only difference being that the leaves on the tree were now a stunning array of reds, yellows, and oranges, almost tauntingly beautiful.

  
Evan took a deep, shuddering breath. He started climbing.

His hands shook more than last time but the footholds were the same and the movements more autonomous. Before he could process it he was already at the branch he used last time.

Too low. He could only hear those two words over and over again, ricocheting off the sides of his head until he became dizzy and nauseous.

He just climbed higher. Higher and higher and higher until there were no other footholds he could find. Evan shimmied his way onto a branch, which bent and creaked under his sudden weight.

He waited a few moments.

He waited for some revelation that everything he’d done could be fixed and that the world was truly good. But none came. He was all out of tears, all out of feelings. He just couldn’t handle it anymore. He’d dug himself a grave these past few months and there was no escaping it. All he could do now was just lay down in it.

Was this how Connor felt? He suddenly thought. Was this how Connor felt right before he slit his wrists for the final time and died, thinking no one would care?

All at once, everything seemed to come into focus again. He was clutching the branch with all his might, way too high above the ground to even process. Evan tried to scramble backwards but the shifting of his body just made the branch shudder and creak once more. The cracking intensified until he heard a definitive snap and felt himself falling through the air.

 

Evan opened his eyes. Harsh light clouded his vision and he couldn’t see anything more than just blurry shapes in front of him. He blinked several times over until he could see at least a little more clearly.

The most immediate startling fact he was presented with was that he was standing upright. That fall should have killed him, or at least have knocked him unconscious. But standing? That seemed physically impossible.

Something a bit more terrifying was when he realized he was no longer in the forest. Instead he was standing, unharmed and unscathed in the middle of the school hallway, people hurrying excitedly past him.

Evan was completely lost. Part of him wondered if this was some warped Purgatory where he would be stuck in high school forever to pay for his sins. If that was the case, that was truly fucked up, even for him.

A familiar figure approached him excitedly. Alana stood in front of him, smiling so hard that it looked like her face was about to crack. Looking closer and knowing how she really felt, he could see that her eyes looked vacant and her hands fidgeted with a ring around her middle finger.

“Hey! How was your summer?” She asked.

“M-My what?” Evan couldn’t help but blurt out. They were well into the year, why now did she want to bring up summer vacation?

“Mine was productive,” Alana said without skipping a beat. “I did three internships and ninety hours of community service. I know, ‘wow’.” She added the last part at seeing Evan’s shocked face.

“Sorry, but didn’t we already-“ Evan began, only to be interrupted.

“Oh my god! What happened to your arm?” She gasped, pointed to his left arm.

He looked down to see it was wrapped up in white gauze. His cast was back. He looked down at himself. He was wearing khaki pants and his blue striped polo shirt.

Evan’s hands started to shake and Alana’s anecdote about her grandmother faded into his subconscious.

I must be dreaming, he thought. That’s what’s happening. I’m in a coma because I jumped out of a tree and got knocked out and I’m just dreaming. None of this is real. None of this is real. None of this is-

“Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from jerking off too much, or do you consider that an honor?”

Evan looked up to see that Alana had been replaced with Jared, who was smirking at him.

“That-that’s not what happened-“

“Let me paint the picture. You’re sitting in your room…” he continued the same tangent he’d gone on all those months ago, the same exact hand motions, inflection, everything. It was like it was happening all over again. Evan tried to respond in the same ways he had last time, unsure of what else he should do.

And then he saw him.

His long brown hair was pushed behind his ears and he looked downright miserable. His face was contorted with pain and his was hunched over, as if he were trying to disappear into himself. He had his messenger bag on one should and hurried past Evan and Jared, trying his best to just go through his day

“Anyway,” Jared said, snapping Evan back to the present. “Tell your mom to tell my mom that I was nice to you, or else my parents won’t pay for my car insurance.”

Evan’s breath hitched in his throat, knowing what was next.

“Oh hey Connor!” Jared drawled, making the other boy stop in his tracks. “Loving the new hair length. It’s very ‘school-shooter chic’.”

Jared laughed at his own joke for a second before Evan snapped. “What the hell, Jared?”

Both boys looked to Evan incredulously. Jared halfheartedly defended himself.“Dude it was a joke, take it easy.”

“Well it’s not fucking funny, okay?” Evan didn’t know who was making him say these words but they all just tumbled out of his mouth without warning. “Just because you're... you're insecure doesn’t mean you need to take it out on the only two people less popular than you are.”

Jared stared in shock, shit-eating grin momentarily gone from his face. It was replaced quickly though, when he slapped Evan’s back and laughed. “Look like someone finally grew some balls this summer! Good on you, I’m proud that little Hansen’s finally growing up. And to protect that freak?” He gestured to where

Connor was standing, dumbfounded. “That’s adorable. You two should date.”

He walked back down the hallway with a stride that screamed fake confidence, leaving Connor and Evan facing each other.

He looked different than Evan remembered. Then again, they’d been using the same picture of Connor from sophomore year for all the memorials and Connor Project related materials. They tried to find a more recent one, only to discover that between Connor’s family, his phone, and even the school, there wasn’t a single picture of him from any time after the one the Murphy’s provided. Now he could see that Connor’s face had hollowed out since then and was now dotted with acne and even a little stubble. His eyes weren’t as dark as you’d expect, and his left one even had a little spot of green in the corner. There were dark circles under his eyes and his face drooped with exhaustion. His hair was knotted and curly, the brown locks reaching just past his shoulders. He was certainly a lot taller than anyone would remember, looking down at Evan with a confused yet still harsh glance.

“What was that about?” he said. Even Connor’s voice was different. It was much higher than he recalled and didn’t seem to fit the rest of his whole aesthetic.  
“Um, Jared was being a jerk so I, um, thought I’d, uh, help?” Evan didn’t know how to take it from here. If this was his chance to make things better and prevent all hell from breaking lose, then he was going to try his best.

“Well, next time? Don’t. I can handle myself, okay? I don’t need fucking random people trying to come to my rescue,” With that, he shoved past Evan and continued down the hall.

The shove threw Evan off balance and there was a loud bang as he fell against the lockers. He shook his head and went down the hallway in the opposite direction, only to get stopped again.

“Hey, I’m sorry about my brother, I saw him push you?”

Zoe stood before him, sympathetically looking him up and down.

Even she looked different. Her face seemed more tired and everything about her seemed lifeless now that he really saw her. He tried to recall this time when he first experienced it: when he hadn’t known her, or what she’d been through, or what he’d put her through. Part of him wanted to leave right then before he could ruin her again. Another part of him just wanted to kiss her one last time-

“He’s a psychopath,” she was continuing. “Evan, right?”

He just nodded. “He’s not a psychopath, though,” Evan added, the gears finally turning in his head on what he should do.

“I’m sorry?” Zoe’s face screwed up in offense.

“I mean… I know that he’s going through a lot right now and maybe you should try and take it easy on him?”  
“Do you even know him?” she snapped.

Evan began to panic, feeling his heart start racing and his whole body tensing up. “No! I just-I just… I know what it’s like to take out, um, frustration on other people? And he seems, um, lonely, I guess?”

“Yeah he’s a lonely and moody, that doesn’t mean he’s not a dick.” Her face seemed to soften when she saw Evan begin to breathe more quickly, trying to figure out what to do next. “Sorry. I know you’re just trying to help but… he’s sort of a lost cause.”

With that she turned and ducked into the classroom next to them, leaving Evan alone in the hallway, a minute before the final bell was set to ring.

 

The entire day, Evan waited to wake up.

All of this had to be some messed up dream that he would wake up from and realize he was in the same shitty place he’d been in before: no friends, no family, no way out of the lies he’d told. There was no way someone or something could have given him a second chance.

But he didn’t wake up.

In fact, the day went by normally. Well, as normally as it can get when you’re reliving the day of your life that would lead to your complete ruin. If this really was Purgatory, it was certainly doing its job of making Evan feel like shit about everything he’d done.

After the final bell rang, he got a call from his mom.

It was weird to hear her voice, so cheerful and fake happy, after they’d gotten into so many arguments in the past months. She reminded him of her appointment with Dr. Sherman that afternoon and he felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. He hurried the phone call before sprinting to the computer lab and opening up his laptop to a blank document.

The cursor blinked mockingly.

This was his chance. This was Evan’s best shot at making sure that Connor Murphy didn’t kill himself.

_Dear Evan Hansen_ , he typed. Those words look strange now, having lost all of their original context now they just seemed cold and distant. He tried to focus.  
_Today was a horrible day but that’s okay. Yesterday was horrible too and tomorrow could be even worse. You just need to make through tomorrow. After that, tomorrow’s tomorrow. And then tomorrow’s, tomorrow’s, tomorrow._

Was tomorrow even a word? He read over the sentence over and over until the word became a strange blur of nonsensical letters mushed together. He didn’t have time for this. He had to stay on task.

_The world may not be completely good. There are still assholes and jerks and horrible people willing to make horrible decisions. And that won’t instantly fix itself all of sudden. You shouldn’t try and stay alive just because you think all of your problems will go away. Stay alive for the little things. Stay alive for sunrises. Stay alive for the changing of the seasons. Stay alive for the laughter of loved ones, for inside jokes, for new music, for someone who you don’t even know and who doesn’t know you. It doesn’t matter why, it’s just matters that you do, because there are so many people who love and care about you on this planet._

_Sincerely your best and most dearest friend,_  
_Me_

Evan read it over, wondering if it was too cheesy or if he should even follow through. He looked around the computer lab to see that the other person there had just left. He clicked print and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

“What happened to your arm?”

Evan spun around to face him. Connor was glancing everywhere but his face, at the computers, at the posters, at the ceiling, as long as it wasn’t Evan.

“I, uh, fell out of a tree actually,” he eventually replied, shutting his laptop screen.

“You fell out of a tree? Well that is just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.”

Evan chuckled uncomfortably. He tried to meet Connor’s eyes, but they were now glued to the blank expanse of white plastic on his arm.

“Do you want to sign my cast?” he asked, just as Connor was opening his mouth to say the same thing.

This ‘coincidence’ earned a flicker of a grin from the taller boy as he nodded. “Yeah. Sure.”

Evan reached into his pocket to find the same Sharpie his mother had given him all those months ago. Connor took it from him and pulled the cast-covered arm towards him, earning a wince from its owner.

Large, proud, and frankly obnoxious letters were left on the dried white gauze spelling out CONNOR.

“Now we can both pretend we have friends,” he said, giving the Sharpie back to him with a sad grimace. He headed towards the door

“We don’t have to pretend,” Evan said quickly, stopping Connor in his tracks.

“I’m sorry?” he used the same phrase as his sister had that morning while he stood, confused, in the doorway.

“W-Why should we pretend, y’know? It seems like we’re both pretty, uh, desperate, I guess?” Evan prayed that he didn’t say the wrong thing.

“Have you ever spoken to a human person before?”

Evan felt his face grow hot. “What?”

Connor scoffed. “That’s nice and all but even I know that’s not how you make friends.”

“Well,” Evan stood his ground. Or at least tried to. “How do you think you make friends?”

He shrugged. “I dunno. Like… like, common interests or some shit? I’m not an expert but definitely not just asking outright ‘wanna be friends’ though. This isn’t preschool.”

Evan flushed.“H-How about you give me a ride home? My mom had to cover someone else’s shift. We’ll start with that.” Evan was grasping at straws, trying to find some link to Connor.

“I have… plans. After school. Better luck next time, Hansen.” He went to leave, only to discover he was still holding a piece of paper in his hand.

Evan pretended not to see him just outside the door, reading through what he’d printed off, instead pretending to busy himself with packing his laptop back into his backpack. He went to leave, bumping into Connor trying to come back in through the doorway.

“Umm, is this yours?” he asked, holding up the paper. “I found it on the- it says ‘Dear Evan Hansen’-“

Evan faked embarrassment. “Oh my god, no! That was-that was just an assignment… f-for class. Sorry- can you- can you just give it back?”

It must have worked because Connor looked like a deer in the headlights, eyes stretched wide open and mouth slightly agape. “No I-I didn’t read it, if that’s what you’re-“

Evan ignored his lie, storming down the hallway and making Connor come after him.

“Okay, okay I did read it!” he confessed, hurrying to catch up. “But it… it’s sweet. And like... I don't know.”

Evan stopped, the other boy quickly reaching him and standing in front of him, trying to meet his eyes.

“I…” Connor trailed off. “I don’t know what shit you’re going through right now, but just keep pushing through, okay? The world needs more people like you and less people like me.”

Sirens went off inside Evan’s mind. _No, no, nO, NO! This wasn’t the plan!_

“No!” Evan’s internal monologue leaked out into a shout that echoed down the school hallway. “It needs people like you, too Connor!”

He raised an eyebrow. “You said it best in your letter, Hansen. I am the assholes and jerks you wrote about. And that isn’t magically going to change.”

“No, and I don’t mean it like that, I just-“ Evan stopped, took a few deep breaths, and tried to gather his thoughts once more before speaking. “I just think that you try to be mean to other people because you’re scared of people getting too close to you.”

Connor tried to counter but Evan kept going.

“And I don’t know you or what you’re going through, okay? But I do know that-that everything is a million times harder when you go through it alone. And everything may seem hopeless and like there’s no point in-“

He choked on the last word. Only now did Evan realize that he was beginning to cry. Everything was riding on this moment. Connor had no clue what to do. In front of him was some kid that he’d never spoken to trying to convince him to reach out and get help.

For the first time in a while, he was actually speechless.

The utter desperation in the other boy’s voice hit far too close to home for Connor to just blow off and ignore. He moved to try and console Evan but his arms just fell back to his sides, limp.

“Hey, um, why don’t I give you that ride, okay?” Evan nodded and Connor put a hand softly on the small of his back, leading him out the double doors and into the parking lot.

The lot was only about half full at this point, the only cars remaining belonging to people staying after for sports or the few clubs the school offered. When they reached his car, Evan kept walking until he heard Connor clear his throat.

It was a fucking Tesla.

“It’s my mom’s,” he tried to explain at the sight of Evan’s shock as he got into the driver’s side. Evan hurried around to the other side and slid into the plush interior. “What’s your address?”

Connor put his phone in some weird clamp thing that held it up right next to the steering wheel and opened up Google Maps.

“Oh, um, actually…” Evan had backed himself into a corner for what seemed the millionth time that day. He didn’t want to have to tell him that he had to go to his therapy appointment, that would just weird him out. “Here, I’ll just type it in.”

He leaned over to Connor’s side of the car and started typing in his home address with shaky fingers. The other boy didn’t lean away, instead just turning on the car and tried to find a good radio station.

The car ride home was uncomfortable.

Between the radio blasting far too loud and Connor not having a seat belt, Evan felt like he was on the verge of another panic attack. He was impressed with how decent of a driver Connor ended up being. Sure, he was more focused on tapping his hands on the steering wheel to the beat of the music than checking his speed, but they didn’t die, which exceeded Evan’s expectations.

When they pulled up in front of Evan and his mother’s small, slightly run down house, Connor could help but show his surprise.

Evan immediately felt embarrassed. He recalled when Zoe had come over for the first time, and the way she seemed to linger on the fluorescent lights, minimal furniture, and clutter that was a common theme throughout. He knew that he wasn’t living in a bad neighborhood and that his family wasn’t poor, but the two Murphy’s seemed to have a way of making him feel like he was.

“T-thanks,” He stuttered, fumbling with his seat belt.

Connor just nodded and watched him gingerly close the car door and jog up to his front door.  
Evan tried to think.

His plan hadn’t worked. He needed a way to stay with Connor, for at least a little longer, to make sure he didn’t try anything today.  
After a perfectly timed epiphany, Evan began over dramatically patting his pockets. He triple checked all of the pockets in his khaki pants before setting his backpack on his porch and proceeding to empty it out. Connor had made a U-turn using a neighbor’s driveway and was on his way out of the neighborhood, but slowed at seeing Evan still outside his front door. The car came to a stop.

Evan kept shuffling all of his textbooks and folders now on the ground. He peered into the different compartments of his backpack, purposely ignoring the keyring sitting in plain view. Feigning disappointment, he slowly packed his things back up and tried to open the front door, which he already knew was locked. He looked through the window and inside to see all the lights still off.

“Are you okay?”

Evan hadn’t noticed Connor’s door opening or him approaching but suddenly he was right next to him, a quizzical expression on his face.

“No, I-I left my keys inside this morning. I guess my mom locked everything up behind her…”

Connor let out a sigh and ran a hand through his hair. “Do you have a spare key under the mat?”

“No.”

“Do you have a backdoor?”

“Locked.”

“Or a window?”

“They’re all painted shut.”

“Would you be pissed if I broke a window?”

“Please… please don’t break a window.”

Connor scoffed. “You’re not giving me a lot of options here. Do you want my help or not?”

“No, seriously. My mom… she would-she would kill me.”

“Well when does she get home?”

Evan shrugged. “Eight? Nine? I-I don’t usually know.”

“What about your dad?” Silence. “Okay, no dad then. Do you have anyone who would have a spare key or anything?”

“M-My grandparents live in New Jersey and my dad and his whole side of the family are in Colorado, so…”

“Jesus, I guess I’m happy that I didn’t just drive off. Okay, um…” Connor thought for a moment, bringing his hands to his face nervously. “Shit, uh… you could come to my house and hang out there until your mom is home, I guess?”

Bingo, Evan thought. He nodded in agreement. “Thankyousomuch! HonestlyIdon’tknowwhatIwouldhavedoneif-if-“

Connor waved a hand dismissively and interrupted his word vomit as they both headed back down to his car and got back in. “Save it. You’ll regret agreeing to come into my house.”

“What? Why?” Evan was genuinely confused. He remembered how much Zoe’s parents loved him until-

Shit.

That was after Connor.

Memories of all the things he’d heard Cynthia and Larry say came flooding back to him. The excuses, the fights, the accusations…

  
_Maybe I can fix this too._ He thought. _I did it before, why shouldn’t I be able to do it all over again?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooo yeah. hope you enjoyed!  
> this is the first fic i've posted in like five years so please don't hurt me lol  
> i have a few chapters written out but i don't have a beta or motivation so let's see how this goes
> 
> *title of the fic is from next to normal


	2. Family Dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the murphy's aren't a fun bunch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all of your kind comments! i'd forgotten that i actually got around to publishing this but when i came back to it i started freaking out haha  
> anyway, thanks for the support, i'll try to keep this going!

When they pulled into Connor’s driveway Evan was once again astounded at the sheer size of the Murphy’s house.

 

It definitely wasn’t a mansion, but compared to what Evan was used to it was pretty damn close.

 

The two-story house seemed far too spread out at the end of the cul-de-sac. The width of the house alone seemed to be at least three times the size of Evan’s small house.

 

Connor drove down the driveway past the house and towards the detached garage. Zoe’s car wasn’t there, presumably because she had jazz band or some other plans. Connor pulled up next to the empty spot haphazardly, not bothering to align himself in any way.

 

The boys entered the house through the back door, a way that Evan had actually never come in through. Despite seeing a pile of discarded shoes by the door Connor continued walking on the plush carpet with his dirty combat boots. From force of habit, Evan had already taken one of his shoes off and hurried to get the other off and follow Connor. He was already making a beeline for the staircase. They didn’t make it past the kitchen before they were interrupted.

 

“Connor!” a woman yelled.

 

“What?” he groaned, backtracking.

 

Cynthia was in the spotless kitchen wearing yellow rubber gloves that reached her elbows, a sponge in one hand. “Why did you take my car this morning?”

 

He rolled his eyes. “Zoe left without me so I-“

 

“Connor you don’t have a license anymore! What would have happened if you had gotten pulled over? Not to mention I had to rearrange everything in _my_ day just to accommodate you! Michelle was expecting me to be at her house _six hours_ ago to help her plan the fundraiser for-“

 

“You were the one who was so fucking insistent on me going to school!” Connor argued. Evan flinched uncomfortably and attempted to step behind him.

 

Cynthia made an exasperated, groaning noise. “That doesn’t mean that you can just-“ She paused, locking eyes with Evan. “Who…”

 

Connor turned, seeming like he’d forgotten about Evan standing right next to him. He saw an opportunity and pushed the other boy in front of him. “This is Evan,” he said cockily, crossing his arms. “My _friend._ ”

 

Cynthia’s whole demeanor changed into a fake perkiness. “Oh!” She took off a glove and placed it delicately on the counter. “Pleased to meet you, Evan! I’m Cynthia Murphy, Connor’s mom.”

 

She shook his hand quickly but held onto it lovingly afterward. “Evan,” he supplied, unsure what to say. “E-Evan Hansen.”

 

She grinned up at Connor, looking for some sort of explanation.

 

“Well, I was giving Evan a ride home-“

 

“Oh that’s so nice of you, Connor,” Her eyes narrowed but her smile was still plastered on. She seemed like she didn’t believe him and looked back to Evan, probably waiting for him to start blinking S.O.S. in Morse code.

 

“But he got locked out of his house, so I said he could hang here until his mom is home.”

 

“Oh, Connor…” Cynthia fawned, letting go of Evan’s hands to reach up and touch her son’s face, which was yanked away from her outstretched hand. She tried not to let the sadness creep onto her face and watched as he turned to head up the stairs. “Will Evan be staying for dinner?” She called, only to be ignored by her son.

 

“Um, y-yes. Mrs. Murphy. Thank you.” Evan supplied.

 

She offered him a smile as she put back on her cleaning glove and began to scrub furiously at the counter once more.

 

It was so weird to see Mrs. Murphy like this. Evan had only known her _after_ Connor’s death in the other timeline. Seeing her not breakdown every time she saw him was a new experience.

 

Evan followed Connor up the stairs, lingering behind a few steps so it didn’t look like he already knew almost every inch of their house. They walked past the guest room that had become like a second home to Evan and arrived at a door with an unfamiliar sign reading, “Stay Out – Private Property”. Connor pushed open his door, barely leaving any time for Evan to come through before shutting it and immediately locking it out of habit. He collapsed into his desk chair and pulled out his phone, leaving time for Evan to process what he was seeing.

 

His room looked completely different.

 

Sure, the walls were still the same off-white beige that the rest of the house was and the furniture was all the same, but everything just felt _different_.

 

The unpainted walls were covered in photographs, posters, and even various duct taped objects. Piles of dirty and clean laundry scattered the floor. The clean bookshelf that Cynthia had arranged to showcase meaningless knickknacks in the previous timeline was now messy and crowded, things carelessly left in piles in front of the books. Connor’s bedside table now had a suspicious wooden box with a small lock as well as at least half a dozen books piled up, pages messily dog-eared.

 

He made note of all the things Cynthia had done to his room after his death.

 

The posters and photos were all thrown out, the whole room ransacked of anything disturbing or illicit, and clothing all packed up and donated. He vaguely remembered a time when he opened up Connor’s closet out of curiosity, only to find it completely empty except for a folded black hoodie and two sealed moving boxes.

 

That was the most disturbing part.

 

All that was left of a person after they died was _two boxes_. Their whole life, personality, actions, and words only amounted to two, pristine, forever sealed boxes.

 

Finally back to reality, Evan couldn’t help but feel he was intruding. Connor still sat slumped in his chair, staring into his phone. He didn’t apologize for the mess, say anything about the rift with his mom, or even tell him where to sit. He just continued on living his life like Evan wasn’t standing there in front of him.

 

At a loss, Evan glanced around momentarily, settling on a beanbag in the corner of the room. Connor’s eyes flicked upwards at the sound of the beads squishing around when he fell into it but returned to his phone.

 

Trying to ignore the dead air in the room, Evan let out a sigh and opened up his backpack. He pulled out the numerous syllabi his teachers had given him as a “first day of school” homework assignment and began to meticulously forge his mother’s signature on each page.

 

“Do my eyes deceive me or is Evan fucking Hansen forging documents before my eyes?”

 

Evan’s head snapped up to see Connor staring in mock surprise, his eyebrows raised and mouth open. “Shut up.” He muttered.

 

“No, really,” he stood up and crossed his arms. “I can’t believe that you would _break a rule_ , Hansen. Has an hour with me really done this much damage?”

 

Evan noticed the corners of his mouth twitching up into what could be a smile. “Yes, Connor. You’re such a horrible person that it has caused me to- to rebel in the worst way possible: faking my mom’s signature on a syllabus.”

 

Connor responded with a “hmph” noise that passed as both a scoff and a chuckle. “Almost made it out the other side of that sentence unscathed.”

 

Evan felt his cheeks getting hot. He bounced his leg nervously. Dismissing his mocking, he continued, “I… I’ve done this since, like, sixth grade.”

 

“Well if I was really having any effect on you then you’d take my route of just not doing it at all,” he commented.

 

“I’m not like that.”

 

Evan instantly regretted his phrasing.

 

“Not like what? Huh?” Connor poked, his whole body becoming tense. “Not a stupid, horrible fuckup?”

 

“You know that’s not what I-“

 

“Oh please, Hansen. Tell me how this was all some elaborate joke that Jared put you up to. Pretend to be nice to me and come to my house. All just to be able to tell the whole school how horrible my life is and how even my family hates me?”

 

Connor was now standing over Evan, spit flying as his voice grew increasingly louder. Evan stood up, incorrectly gauging just how close the taller boy already was to him. Their faces were inches apart. Feeling heat flush his neck and ears, he tried to take a step back, but stumbled on the lumpy beanbag. Connor stood his ground.

 

“No,” he pleaded weakly. “No, no, no, no, _no._ That-that’s not what happened.”

 

“It can’t all just be a coincidence.”

 

“It-It _is_.”

 

“Tell me the truth.”

 

Connor looked almost desperate as he spoke. They were both still far too close for Evan’s comfort and he felt hot breath on his face.

 

 _You wouldn’t believe me_ , he thought. “Okay… I, um, wrote that letter for my therapy appointment today. She wants me to do these pep talks for myself every day, y’know? Like ‘Dear Evan Hansen, today’s gonna be a great day, here’s why’ and stuff like that.” He paused to measure Connor’s reaction. There was none. “And, um, that’s what you found on the printer. I always sort of fake them because I don’t want to worry my mom because she works so much so I just make them seem, like, hopeful, I guess?”

 

Connor’s eyes narrowed, and Evan felt his voice speeding up.

 

“Anywaythat’swhatyoufoundontheprinterandIwassupposedtogotoanappointmenttodaybutIdidn’twanttohavetoaskyouforaridebecauseIthoughtyou’dmakefunofmebutyoudidn’t! AndIreallydidlockmykeysinthehousebecauseI’mreallystupidlikethattimes,justsofuckingstupid-“

 

Evan raked his nails across the side of his leg, hoping it would somehow bring him back to reality. Connor’s face fell into a neutral expression that was difficult to read. He began scratching faster, hand moving absentmindedly to his wrist. Suddenly though, it was grabbed.

 

“Stop that shit- a-all of it,” Connor’s face was now screwed up with concern and confusion. He didn’t know how to handle what was happening.

 

“Please let go of me,” Evan’s voice shook as he felt his palms grow sweaty. _He’s going to think you’re so disgusting. How are you supposed to help him if you can’t even help yourself?_

 

“I won’t let go unless you promise not to fucking hurt yourself, okay?”

 

His breath was still warm against Evan’s face due to their proximity. It smelled like cigarettes. Evan nodded quickly in response and Connor followed through with his end of the deal. He tried to ignore the goosebumps that popped up in the absence of his hand.

 

“I’m sorry I just exploded on you, I didn’t want you getting the wrong idea and- and- and-“

 

“It’s okay.”

 

Connor took a step back and Evan let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. He scratched the back of his head, the itching noise filling the silence of the room.

 

“And, uh,” he coughed gruffly. “I’m sorry, too. About… assuming. And. Yeah.”

 

The room was silent for a while until they heard the doorknob jostle, then fists banging on the door.

 

“Open up, Connor!”

 

Zoe.

 

Connor didn’t react, just strided over to his bedside table and picked up the small wooden box that lay there. It reminded Evan of the box he used for his meds. He used a key that hung on a necklace that Evan had never noticed before to open the lock, which he dropped on the table, and then pulled a small joint from within.

 

Zoe kept pounding on the door. Evan looked to him and tried to ask, but he just waved a hand dismissively.

 

He ignored this and went over to the door, unlocking it and pulling it open to reveal a very confused Zoe.

 

“What are you doing here?” she snapped before concern grew on her face. “Oh my god did Connor kidnap you? Is he blackmailing you? Are you okay?”

 

Her voice became hushed as if she were actually serious.

 

Was she?

 

“I can still hear you y’know,” Connor drawled, joint in between his lips as he heaved one of his windows open. Sunlight flooded the room, reminding Evan of how it looked when Cynthia would go into his bedroom every morning to draw the curtains and blinds, and every evening to close them again.

 

Zoe just rolled her eyes at her brother and stormed over to him with her arms crossed. “What the fuck are you playing at?”

 

“Excuse me?” Connor raised his eyebrows and leaned against the edge of his nightstand.

 

“I came home from practice and Mom told me Evan Hansen was in our house and I almost had an aneurysm.”

 

“He locked himself out of his house and needed a place to hang!” Connor defended himself, grabbing a lighter from inside the wooden box and lighting the end of his joint. “And what’s so wrong with having Evan over? You realize he’s right next to you right?”

 

“Because Evan’s nice and the last thing he needs is you corrupting him,” Zoe turned to Evan and grinned. “I’m sorry, you are honestly so sweet and I’m sort of sorry you’ll have to suffer through a Murphy family dinner-“

 

“Jesus Christ,” Connor sighed. “Just fuck off, okay?”

 

“You fucking pushed him in the hallway today, and now he’s in your room? Are you fucking bipolar?”

 

Her brother just rubbed his temple with one hand and clenched the other. “I swear to God if you don’t leave-“

 

“And what could you possibly gain from this? It’s not like he’s selling you weed or he’s one of your-“

 

“That’s enough!”

 

Evan flinched as Connor’s voice seemed to echo through the whole house despite its size. Even the clanging of pots from Mrs. Murphy downstairs stopped.

 

Zoe had stood her ground though. She held up her arms in mock surrender like she had done nothing wrong, and backed out of the room. A door slammed at the opposite side of the hallway.

 

Evan looked across the room to Connor. He sat in a haze of smoke that drifted slowly out the open window next to him, looking defeated.

 

“I’m sorry,” Evan blurted, walking back to where his backpack was and kneeling next to it. “I should really go home. I can just call my mom to see if she can take a break to come home and drop off her keys, or…”

 

He trailed off at seeing the blank expression on the other boy’s face. An unsettling feeling rooted itself in Evan’s chest.

 

If he left, Connor would probably try to kill himself again. That’s why he wasn’t trying to stop him from leaving.

 

On the other hand, though, he never tried to get him to leave either. _He_ was the one who offered for him to come over. Maybe some small part of him still wanted to try to keep going.

 

Evan stood back up and sat on the edge of the bed next to Connor. He didn’t respond, just took another puff of smoke, and held the joint out to Evan blindly.

 

“I, um, I don’t- I don’t do… weed. I’m sorry.”

 

He scoffed as he drew his hand back slowly and took another drag. “Why do you do that?” Evan became confused. Connor just gestured vaguely with his hand. “Y’know, the ‘I’m sorry’s every three seconds?”

 

“Oh, um, I guess I just am? Sorry, that is. I just say it when I-I need to apologize, I guess? I’ve never thought about it that-that much.”

 

Evan was lying. He thought about it all the time. Everyone he met seemed to comment on his abundance of ‘I’m sorry’s. Every time he caught himself saying it he internally punched himself, but it seemed impossible to stop.

 

It was a while before Connor spoke again. “Tell me something.”

 

He waited for him to finish his sentence but he never did. “L-like what?”

 

Evan saw noticed Connor’s leg bouncing up and down and watched him shrug. “Anything. I like when people just talk at me. The rhythm of voices is really nice.”

 

“Um, okay,” Evan thought for a moment about what he could possibly say to Connor Murphy. Maybe take a moment to tell him that he was somehow sent from another timeline in which he killed himself and Evan made up complete lies about him and manage to alter not only his family’s but the entire country’s perspective of him? Nope. Instead, he chose to talk about trees. “Well, um, I worked this past summer as a Junior Park Ranger, up at the local park, and uh, my boss told me something really cool. An ordinary, like, run-of-the-mill English Oak tree is actually really important for the environment? I mean, all trees are good for the environment, obviously, but the English Oak? One tree alone can support hundreds of different species. Like, almost _300_ insect species. That’s so crazy to me, y’know? And all the insects feeding off the tree and living on or in it help to feed a bunch of different types of birds and animals in the area. Not to mention the nuts that grow on English Oaks can also feed dozens of different species-“

 

He stopped suddenly at realizing how long he’d been talking, not quite sure what to do. Connor glanced over at the sudden absence of his voice. “Why’d you stop?”

 

“Um, I don’t know? I guess I thought you probably weren’t interested, or-“

 

“No, no,” he said, putting out the remainder of his joint on the lid of the wooden box, joining the array of other circular burn marks. “It was cool. Hearing you talk without stuttering for like two whole minutes? Impressive.”

 

He sounded genuinely congratulatory in contrast to the blatant sarcasm Evan was used to from Jared.

 

“T-Thanks. I really like that sort of stuff, so…”

 

“Yeah its-“

 

They were interrupted by Cynthia shouting up the stairs, “Zoe, Connor, Evan! Dinner’s ready!”

 

The two boys glanced at the clock in unison to see that it was exactly six o’ clock. Connor let out a sigh and shut the window, drawing the thick black curtains closed once more. Evan followed him out of the room, making sure to shut the door behind him, and down the stairs.

 

In the room next to the kitchen, the dining table was set with crisp white plates on pretty placemats, surrounded by pristine silverware. The center of the table was dedicated to various serving dishes, filled with chicken, salad, and vegetables.

 

Evan watched as Connor picked up a plate and unceremoniously slopped food on it quickly and tried to leave the room, only to be blocked by none other than Larry Murphy.

 

“Son, put the plate back. We’re having a family dinner.”

 

“I have someone over, we can just eat upstairs-“

 

“I don’t recall saying you had a choice, Connor,” his father said stiffly.

 

Connor opened his mouth to retort but glanced back at Evan. His shoulders slumped in defeat as he walked back to the table, dropping his plate back down with a clatter. His father shot him a glance before crossing to his friend.

 

“Evan?” He asked, holding his hand out. Evan met it with a nod, shaking firmly. “I’m Larry Murphy, Connor’s father.”

 

 _Father_. The purposeful use of the word over ‘dad’ was so intentional that it stung even Evan, making him wonder how Connor felt. “N-Nice to meet you, Mr. Murphy.”

 

The older man just nodded in response before walking to the where Connor was seated and taking his place at the head of the table. Evan sat on the same side of the table as Connor and tried to catch his eye. He had his elbow propped up on the table with his face resting heavily on his palm, his long hair falling all over the place. Zoe took her seat across from Connor, with her mother next to her.

 

“Connor, head up, please,” Cynthia said softly. Connor obliged slowly. “Everyone hold hands for grace.”

 

Connor snorted next to Evan, making him jump. Zoe just rolled her eyes and took her mother’s hand, reaching her other one across the table to Connor. Mr. Murphy cleared his throat and Evan turned to see his outstretched hand next to him. He wiped his hand on his khakis and held his hand, following Zoe’s lead and holding the other out to Connor.

 

He sighed overdramatically and took both of their hands impatiently. Evan felt himself blush. He couldn’t hear the generic prayer that Larry led, his mind was too busy rushing around a million things.

 

_Am I holding his hand too tightly? Maybe I should loosen my grip. Okay, now it’s like I’m trying to pull away. Jesus Christ my hands are probably so sweaty right now he’s gonna think I’m so fucking weird. I mean, I know some weird stuff has happened in my life, but traveling back in time to save Connor Murphy’s life and ending up holding hands with him at the dinner table? That’s got to be, like, number two-_

 

“Evan.”

 

Connor’s voice brought him back to the present only to find that everyone at the table was staring at him in silence. He looked to see that he was still clutching Connor and Mr. Murphy’s hands far too tightly when grace had been long over.

 

He let go quickly and wiped his hands on his pants, muttering out an apology. Cynthia looked at him sympathetically.

 

They all passed their plates around in relative quiet until they were full of steaming food. After they began eating Cynthia and Larry made light, impersonal conversation about his day at work. Connor and Zoe pushed around the food on their plates, refusing to look at one another. At realizing the awkwardness of the evening, Mrs. Murphy cleared her throat.

 

“So Evan,” she began. “How was your summer?”

 

He nodded. Then shook his head at himself. “Sorry – yeah it was, uh, good? I guess? I had an internship at Ellison State Park for the whole summer, so, yeah, that’s what I did.”

 

She smiled and nodded along. “Well, that’s great! Do you like to hike? Are you an ‘outdoors’ person?”

 

Evan just shrugged, feeling the pressure of everyone at the table hanging on every word he said. “I like to whole… ecosystem? Thing? Like, learning about it and stuff? And, uh, learning about how important state parks are to the environment. Yeah.”

 

Cynthia took a sip from her wine glass and kept it in her hand to gesture with. “Actually, my girlfriend told me about a documentary series on Netflix. _Planet Earth_ , I think?” she looked to her children and husband to check if she was right but no one interacted. “Anyway, it’s a series about nature and each episode focuses on a separate biome and all of its inner workings. It’s really quite fascinating.”

 

“Yeah, I don’t have Netflix,” Evan said quietly. At seeing his host’s face fall, he quickly tried to save himself. “But that sounds really interesting, Mrs. Murphy, thank-thank you.”

 

The room went silent. Evan focused on the flickering candles in the center of the table. Connor put his elbow on the table and rested his head again.

 

“For Christ’s sake Connor, sit up,” Larry snapped suddenly. He glared at him from across the table, but his son’s eyes were closed and his face held a vacant expression. He banged his fist on the table twice, causing Evan to jump and his wife to rest a hand on his arm, muttering something in a cold tone.

 

Connor leaned back in his chair and folded his arms, opening his red eyes. “Is that better, Larry?”

 

“Do not speak to your father like that, Connor. It’s inappropriate,” Cynthia spoke quietly, glancing at Evan with a slightly panicked look on her face. 

 

“Wait-“ Zoe leaned across the table quizzically and stared down her brother. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

 

“Language,” Her mother said half-heartedly while she took another sip of wine.

 

“He’s high!” she accused.

 

“Your deduction skills are truly impeccable,” Connor said dryly. “Considering you quite literally _saw_ me smoking in my room-“

 

“Connor, we told you how we feel about you smoking in the house!” Mrs. Murphy chided. “You already went to school high this morning and think that it’s okay to-to ‘light up’ before dinner?”

 

Connor just chuckled.

 

“Connor, your mother and I are sick and tired of having to deal with your antics, alright? It’s been a stressful couple of weeks at the firm and-“

 

“Amanda helps you out with that though, right?”

 

The air in the room thickened as Cynthia turned to her husband with her mouth hanging open and her eyes wide. He shifted under her gaze and cleared his throat. “Kids why don’t you clear the table.”

 

Zoe and Connor got up without protesting, picking up the serving dishes and glasses. Evan scrambled out of his chair and piled up all of the plates and silverware, bringing them into the kitchen.

 

The siblings worked in harmony, Zoe emptying food into glass Tupperware while Connor rinsed the dishes and placed them in the dishwasher. Evan joined in, trying to tune out the hushed argument happening in the other room. Suddenly, his phone rang.

 

He muttered an apology and checked the caller ID. Mom. He went to the living room and began to pace before answering.

 

“H-hello?”

 

_“Evan? Sweetie, are you okay? Are you hurt? Where are you?”_

 

“I-I’m fine, Mom. I’m just at-“

 

_“Oh thank God. Dr. Sherman called and said you weren’t at your appointment and we both… well we both assumed the worst.”_

 

 _Shit_. “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry Mom. It’s just that… I got talking to someone at school and they offered to give me a ride home and-and I _panicked_ because I was embarrassed, but when I got home I realized I’d left my keys on the kitchen counter when I left and he said I could hang at his house and I totally forgot to text you because we just started _talking_ and it was so new for me that I just…”

 

Evan trailed off at hearing a laugh from the other side. _“So… you’re at a friend’s house.”_

 

“I, uh, yeah. Yeah, I am.”

 

His mother laughed again. _“Oh, that’s so great honey. Is it Jared? Because I’m surprised that Melanie didn’t call me-“_

 

“No, it’s, uh, Connor? Connor Murphy?”

 

_“The name’s familiar, but I can’t really match it to a face… Anyways, do you want me to swing by and pick you up on my way home?”_

 

“No,” he said all too quickly. “I mean, he-he offered to drive me home and I already said yes.”

 

_“Oh great! I’m clocking out early so you guys can probably get going.”_

 

“O-Okay we will.”

 

 _“I love you,”_ Evan could practically hear her grinning. _“And I’m so proud of you.”_

 

“T-thanks. Love you too.”

 

Evan shoved his phone back into his pocket and turned to see Connor behind him. “Was that your mom?” he asked.

 

He nodded. “Yeah, um, she’s heading home right now so she can let me back in. Do you mind, uh, driving me?”

 

He nodded. “No problem. Get your shit and I’ll meet you in Zoe’s car. I need to get out of this hell hole.”

**Author's Note:**

> sooooo yeah. hope you enjoyed!  
> this is the first fic i've posted in like five years so please don't hurt me lol  
> i have a few chapters written out but i don't have a beta or motivation so let's see how this goes
> 
> *title of the fic is from next to normal


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